Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Killer Clothes

Hi Ladies,

I was thinking, the other day, after almost twisting my ankle whilst wearing my wedge-heeled shoes, that some of the things us girlies wear are downright dangerous! Here is my list of killer clothes items and why they are dangerous.

1) Slippers
The name says it all. The worst offenders are the ones with no ankles in them, you know, the ones with fluffy tufts around the toes and nothing around the heel area. These offenders like to slip off your foot at the worst times, such as when you are on your way downstairs with a pile of ironing. They also like to try and maim you when you are walking on laminate flooring carrying a hot mug of tea. The next in line are the huge, but comfy, novelty ones which are shaped like Homer Simpson's face or big fluffy bunnies. They may look sweet and innocent, but beware, they too will try to throw you off balance if you're not careful. They're so squishy they enjoy crumpling up and throwing you forward as they crumple up underneath your feet, usually when you're on your way downstairs.

2) Killer Shoes
There are various types of these around, and as the average woman has 36 pairs of shoes in her wardrobe, then most women will own at least one pair of these murderous items.  Here is a list of the most violent offenders: wedges, stilettos, kitten heels, platforms and wooden shoes with leather straps (I won't mention the trade name for these, but you'll know what I'm referring to if you own a pair -whoever designed these must have been some form of torturer in a past life). Each of these pairs has a different MO (as they say in the police force).  Wedges and platforms like to suddenly twist your ankle to the side, attempting to break it, usually when you are stepping down from the pavement, ready to cross the road. Kitten heels, like slippers, tend to slip off your foot sometimes, and they also like to wedge themselves in small cracks and grids, hoping you will pull a muscle or tear a ligament as you attempt to free yourself.  Wooden shoes with leather toe straps like to suddenly twist to the side so that your tender foot scrapes itself on the sharp wooden edges.  If you're lucky you'll end up with a few splinters - worst-case scenario - tumbling down the stairs, legs akimbo and shoes flailing after you.

3) Knickers
How can an innocent pair of knickers (or panties, for those of you in the USA) be dangerous, you may wonder. Well, if it happens to me then I'm sure it happens to you too.  Sometimes they tend to lodge themselves in awkward places, and they like to remove themselves from your cheeks, preferring to move around into very uncomfortable places, shall we say.  This tends to happen at the worst moments, like when you are driving.  I can't tell you how many times I've swerved my car whilst attempting to dislodge an uncomfortable knicker/panty situation. And as for thongs, don't get me started on those things - why would somebody choose to wear something that feels just like an uncomfortable knicker situation?

4) Bras
I wouldn't say these were the worst offenders.  If they were a criminal (or felon if you are in the USA, right?) then they would be a first offender or ABH rather than outright murder.  Their preferred form of attack is when their under wiring becomes loose and digs into your ribs, attempting to puncture your lungs (I know I'm exaggerating a little here, but when it happens it really does hurt - especially if you are in public and have to put up with it digging in for a long time!) They also like to twist their catches, so they dig in your back.  Sometimes their straps like to dig into your shoulders too, causing sore and red areas.

5) Jeggings
It isn't surprising these modern items are going out of fashion already.  They look great, don't they? It's like wearing tight jeans without the hassle of dieting to fit in them, right? Wrong! Jeggings like to give you a sense of false security - they hold everything in, and you look great as you step out of the house. Five hours later and you are in pain from the pinching in your belly, as the unforgiving waistband digs in.  Don't let the elasticity fool you - there's no give in those things!  After you've had a few meals and some drinks, these items are so unforgiving.  Their waistbands enjoy pinching you and you can't even undo your zip or buttons to ease the tension. It's such a relief when you take them off and realize you can breath again.

6) Short, flared skirts (skater skirts)
These offenders like to kill you by making you die of embarrassment.  There are two main ways they can do this a) They can blow up, showing all the world your knicker situation at the most inappropriate times (although any time they do this is inappropriate, right?).  It doesn't even have to be a windy day; they still manage to find a way to do this and b) They like to stick into your tights or knickers, so the world gets to see your bum cheeks as you walk down the street. They have a strange way of doing this without you feeling a draft, so you don't notice until some brave person comes up to tell you about it.

So there you have it.  If you have any others you would like to add to the list just put them in the comments box. If you are a man reading this, then I hope you can sympathize with us poor girlies who have to suffer in the name of fashion.

I hope you found this amusing.

Bye for now

Anna x